Memory ...

As I have evolved yet again over this past time that is now; on from a loss of a husband ... I have been conversing with our daughter a lot today ... naturally it is not just about me ... 

We are looking to our forthcoming time together, in yet another surreal time ... (and if things go to plan, as nothing is set in stone with the way our life seems to turn out of late) ... in a different part of this country. I still get quite unwell. I am going to have to book an appointment with the nurse practitioner, at this rate. 

I will see how things turn out. I am doing all the many suggestions; by all the medical personnel I have had contact with. 

My Late Husband was ...

really good in my adjustments, to nutritional intake in days long gone now ...

I have received the info of knowledge I was awaiting on, as promised, and to try alternative natural remedies for the current health issue ... from a reliable source ... its again ... who you know ...

Lack of Appetite 

For example I only had a banana; until I went out and came back with some suggested goodies further to what I do already ... 

I already follow ...

• High fibre foods to get rid of ill toxins 
• Good Mood Foods
• Herbal Teas and other plentiful liquids
• Slow release 
• Natural Foods 
• Olive oil etc etc 
• What people call bird food ...
• Etc

I purchased some gluten free cereals to try ...This is whether or not you test as coeliac 

Which at mid afternoon I started with a bowl of them ... I will try and follow the suggested diary too ... not too good with things like that ... anymore ...

Recent Memories of yet another ...

new season, in a different area of the UK ... All things Christmas, which I had not seen in many, many, seasons. I saw the items reminiscent of the season in the produce; not in the large stores, but life as once was, a long time ago now.

It was good to see all the familiar childhood styles of life, again, which we had seen, up until we had that isolated time away from it. That meant time away from that particular area for too long a time. I missed time too with my family. My cousin was the one to notice that and helped me piece that time, to enable me to travel again to this place, by walking me emotionally, step by fragile step so I could spend precious time with Dad ... that was only last year ... 

Quotes and Words of Wisdom Surround us Everywhere ...

not sure where I'd seen this recently ... I just remember it ...

"Don't Count The Day's ... Make The Day's Count "... Muhammad Ali

Hubby liked that one ...

Christmas Memorial Service

8-12-2015

I had this to look to since last month; when an invitation to attend dropped through the letterbox.

During the service we were able to light a candle if we wished to. The stars we wrote our messages on for the Christmas tree at the funeral home were blessed. 

A poignant service all round; with a lovely order of service with two poems read out. Ironically one of my late Dads favourite hymns was sung and everything my husband would have loved ... 

Getting used to a different way of life ...

in leisure time and trying to embrace the solitude of life without the men in our lives ... both my Mum and I muddling through like so many of us do ... in adjusting with the empty space beside ... 

My moments with my family each time since the passing of Dad; has meant that Mum and I have had the time to explore again, in the locality where I grew up ... after so much lost time from my circumstances ... 

It is an indescribable time; in gaining again ... the momentum of experiences I never thought in those dark days I would ever see and feel again ....

And ... Anyway ...

as time moves on ... one wants to talk less ...

And others less too ... you quietly soldier on ... hoping that one moment of indecision don't grab you ... or that precipice moment either before you have a chance to reach out ... as already experienced when you do reach out ... you do not make yourself heard right ... more confidence gone ...

...

These Nights ...

thoughtlessness ... on parts of human nature ...

I need to settle and get motivated ... If I don't have to mix with the world or talk with it I might just get through .. but as it is that insulated world with very few people has now gone ... to get used to the workings even now is a task and an half ... 

I now write about ... rather than explain anymore ...

Side by Side ... in life and death ...

an empty space that is there; but it is not empty ... just as this quarter of the year bring those reminders of my husband's last days and death. So does each time of the year we carry on through without him as the moon comes and goes ... what was once this weekend of our own personal occasions, now leading to the Christmas festivities ... and beyond ... the good memories ... 

Post Muddle ...

Another necessary maintenance ...  again another perpetual necessity of life that becomes a muddle and struggle of those not au fait with the other side of life .. It can be like putting your life into a mixer and churning it up beyond recognition 

A fresh new start might now be the option. I had a lot of time to think about it  ... It is the overwhelming task of starting life from scratch again ... And getting order again before being  to do so ... 

Again more understanding if the dilemma was of a different nature. ... That can be faced elsewhere 

From Once I Knew ...

And continually rears triggers along this different way of life I now have ...  And how all those who have not taken me seriously enough ... Facts are facts ... 

Intervention

Why is ones word never believed, until someone else reiterates it?

The Working Day ...

Thankfully I have had some good strangers come into my life and this has helped in my current Deja vu ... and at times I need to be left alone which most acknowledge to come to terms with things as I progress ... I am usually a private person ... and since my husbands illness all that has now gone ... I now cut no ice ... and will have no nonsense now ... and will scream from the top of a mountain if I had to ... to stop at least another untimely death ... 

I Could not Work in Catering ...

presently ... had to adjust my internal temperature again ... whilst busy in the kitchen; cooking home cooked food today ... on good, good times I slow cook food keeping a warm, aromatic ambiance missing for so long in this home ...  I especially attempt in doing so; on special times and seasonal days ... even without my family now ... 

Piecing together more of

My life today ...

This weekend there will be shadows only of what this home would have normally being doing this time of year with half terms and Halloween ...

A Sour Note

Echoes through today ... It is not surprising with attending an hospital appointment and the constant reminder of who is no longer here in my life

And the strangers who now supposed to support me

Aromas past

... Wafting through my home today imaginary from the recesses of the mind ... First this morning was the distinct aroma of my late father-in-laws pipe tobacco 

And just a moment ago my paternal granny's scrumptious, delicious coffee cake and from the cafe I used to work in mingling with each other .. 

Prematurely denied ...

Dear Diary 

Of the one person I was supposed to be with in these times whether as I am now with an unknown health dilemma to sharing our daughters graduation this last Summer

Thankfully with death ... It is never final ... a different peace ensues ...  A warmth anew enraps me ...

Christmas Past Present and Future

Dear Diary 

The gradually build up for the vile season since August ... and leaking into the post that dropped through the letterbox today ... 

Christmas now has different connotations for me, since that longest day, one Winter in the 21st Century, but in the squalor that looked like we lived in the medieval times. It was from inaction of all agencies involved, just before the disastrous end to my husbands life from a long series of unfortunate and quite life altering events; and a ripple effect from neglect of those who are supposed to look out for us in our most dire moments. And no excuse, after a major multi-agency meeting. There was the lack of communication, co-ordination and more.

The twinkling array of glittery items that is beginning to appear all around us on the TV, in the shops, in conversations and more ... gives a different meaning to what Christmas is actually about ..

Reflecting ...

Dear Diary

I am in reflection mode of a life and not just cos of a empty nest. There comes times in my life where I need to make the most of the now,  while I try and look to a future, more planned.

This happened too, towards the end days of my husband's life, change was needed and to break free of the constraints that happened on me ... Events were to get in the way of those plans which never happened and was to be so unfinished, little knowing new ones would be formed, as a new widow with an empty nest of  three months ...