The dark recesses of life ...

mind and death ... It means in coming back to the world ... I do things I would not necessarily have contemplated before ... some  of the things I have done and might do would ... astonish my husband ...

My Mind ... Learning to Relax ... To Good Moments

brings it own difficulties in all these ideas whirling around ... And as they do in the most deepest moments we have in our private times ... 

In the little room ... The middle of sleep ... 

And as often the case when I am supposed to be resting ... This happens to us at the best of times ... for us ... we are catching up on lost chances to create and do things together as parent and child ...

I hope to capture some more moments tonight in the many ideas whirring in overdrive ... Then selecting what can and cannot be achieved in my life now ... while I clear a life now past ... 

Trying to get some organisation in mind and home ...

reminding me of the time when a particular set of understanding came briefly in my life

A tidy house is a tidy mind

I have strived for that against so much until that day ... now it is back to being on my own as time moves and people retreat back into the wood work ... as is human nature ... still leaving me with remnants of a ill-gotten time ... tut tut ... 

My life changed forever after that experience; in more ways than one ...

Awoke with a start ...

Those symptoms anew that gets you ... After such a time it is still there ... Memories stirred this week again ... 

A Tick Tock In That Clock ...

Takes me back to a time of sitting in front rooms. An era now gone, of those Great Aunts and Uncles and cousins of the maternal grandparents generation, in the county we were born. 

We now have the painting that sat on the wall in their best room, it is now in my Mum's best room. I was able to show and share memories in the type of room I grew up visiting, in recent times at the Geffyre Musuem of the home with my daughter.

It is sitting having tea with this generation now long gone, the tick tock and hourly chimes of those clocks in the background. Again those senses that come into play. These homes on the outskirts of a town so near to where we were born. No longer able to visit for new people now live there. And the maternity hospital pulled down to make way for a road. My husbands birth place is now pulled down in the time I have lived here, in this county. And the last time I went to Gravesend with my daughter, her birth place was then derelict. We joked it would make a good place now to shoot a home movie.

Clocks that take such pride of place in homes, and in all grand styles, in friends homes too. Memories too of my late Dad's favourite places he shared with us ... housing one of the oldest clocks.

That First Winter...

Of widowhood was full of snow covered ground ... the following two winters I don't recall much of that time at the moment...

Memories come and go ...It is a very missed up bag of times ... I do know that conflicts have been much of this time and still in hope that will ease eventually 

There really is not much on this area on one level ... yet do much in a time now past...

It is much easier to revert to indoors. The positive side to life for one, is you do not have to see, hear, any of the silliness of life and interaction with people and things that grate you. 

I like this time to do as I please to a certain extent. No debates. No waiting. No wasting time. You get on with the things you like to do, the best you can in this still alien ambiance.

A Good Set Of Memories ...

for the gloom this time of year ... which was my aim for this month, to keep me busy with them; whilst doing the hard task of de-cluttering ... I have had some rest and a change of scenery, to appreciate what I have left in life.

Being the month, which is now eternally the dismal month, I was to lay my husband to his eternal resting place or not. We watched a news report on the way the dead are dealt with in Greece, while in Cornwall. It was not pleasant viewing. It contradicts things.

Space here too, will be a premium with the continued population growth and its geographical, economical permutations and the rest of it ....

All the Christmas decorations ...

packed away, recycled or chucked. And those unwanted gifts again passing through the charity shops for another year .... We are midweek through the first full week of 2016 ... A new year ... though old for me in my inner turmoils ... 

It is continually surreal, only today I had a feeling that hit me I am not seeing my hubby still ... There are times that I cannot believe I am not seeing him ... 

I have certainly set out the end of last year ...

and from the 22nd of December in my daily resolutions of putting in place plans while I was elsewhere in illness or travelling to get things into perspective ... Today I sifted through more items from the past and got rid ... And or used ... I still not sure on a memory book ... With some of items found, I tend to go back and forth with this ... do I or not ... I think if I kept it minimal maybe ... 

It might be a memory box ... For now to collect and see how I feel when life maybe settles ... And on a better frame of mind ... 

Travelling from Industrial Brtain ... in the North west of England ...

Recently .... And from Kernow with its tourist trade (and on the many journeys down through the counties by car in years long past now,) with the many differences in the South East to the South West ... And the modern environments ... Which in parts have still has a lot to catch up with ...  

And now experiencing the North West again; it is evident from the weeds, litter, smelly refuse on and along the pavements and roadsides, and pavements my late Dad would have struggled with  ... It is like going back in time ... Shops too all unique and what I was once used to growing up with ... in a less populated area though ... 

There has been much said about the North and South. There is also a history of back to back houses and tennaments that I have seen in some intersting documentaries and often portrayed in films etc. In these industrial parts and inner cities too ... The smog disappearing in these industrialised areas, after acts were passed to clean up the air ... 

There is a continuing rich history surrounding us. History both good and bad most evident still, on my travels again, I notice even more so ... and not just the listed buildings protecting this heritage ... But still everyday and day to day now and not always considered and protected ... The dereliction in places is quite enormous ... when so much building elsewhere squeezed into so many impossible places ...

I have also been exposed to the outside world more from staying with others. Housing space was very much in the news ...

All the inadequacies in life, the lack of planning, the mish mash of properties ... How ugly it all looks at times ... But fascinating to me with my fresh outlook after being enclosed ... inside for too long ... 

That time of year ...

The festive parties, festive food, the merriment ... all of these triggers from that death day ... And preceding and following on from that .... One shortest day; one year ... 

Another time through it ...  And finally normality reigns ... but worse than normal ... it took a month for the feelings to dwell up ... This time last year ... But such is life ... Feelings do not disappear ... Everything is useless ... Life goes on ... With part is self missing ...